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22 August 2009 @ 08:45 pm
It really sucks right now  
It's my first year of college. I've already been here for two days and it's already gotten so depressing. I hate meeting new people. It's so awkward for me. I don't know how people do it, how they make it look so easy. I've always been a very quiet person. I'm private, I keep to myself. I am very much so in fact that I think it's a telling point about myself. That part of me is very obvious. I'm awkward around new people, even around people that I consider friends. I don't know how to break the ice. I don't know how to introduce myself to people. I find that people who have a cheery disposition, who look engaging and easy to talk to have a much easier time of meeting people. I have none of those qualities about myself. I don't laugh if I'm not amused, I hate to laugh if it only means to be polite, I don't have a lazy permanent smile on my face as if i'm constantly thinking about little funny tidbits on the edge of my mind. 

I didn't expect to make friends on the first few days, not even the first week. But seeing all my friends from high school on facebook talk about how they love their new roomates and posting pics of them together just frustrates. On top of that my parents are really pressuring me to make new friends. I know they care for me and they want me to have a good time and they also know that I'm not a very social person at all, which is why they keep talking about it. I wish they would stop. But if I tell them that they'll just get even more worried and I really can't deal with that. It'll just make their efforts stronger. Normally, if I was still in high school, I wouldn't worry about it because I can always go home at the end of the day. But here, I have to stay. It gets more and more lonely. I'm afraid of this happening for the rest of my life.

The reason why i'm like this is mostly my own fault. More so than my parents. My parents have always been over protective of me. For a long time, up until high school at least. I wasn't really allowed to go anywhere with friends (not that i was ever invited or allowed myself this). During high school I never went out with any of my friends ever. I've never hung out at the mall for weekends at a time, never went out to eat, never went partying, never had sleepovers, never did anything. For 12 years of schooling all I did was wake up,  go to school, come back home, go to bed, wake up, go to school, go home, go to bed. When I was in 8th grade going into 9th, I wondered how long I could keep that up. 

I've never had true friends, good friends, real good, old friends. I've never cried in front of them, shared secrets with them, call them sister or brother. I've never allowed myself to do any of that stuff. I'm an asshole. It's ridiculous that I'm like this. I'm not that accepting of the people who could "contenders" for being my friends (contender is such a fucking awful word for this). I imagine the kind of people I should be hanging out with, the kind of people that I'd get along fine with. I could never be friends with the peppy girls and boys. I'd bum them out. I couldn't be friends with anyone who's emo or "other definitions of 'alternative'" because even though our interests are always very similar, I don't do emotions. Too many hugs, too much doom and gloom sometimes. I can't even be friends with people of my own race b/c sometimes I don't even identify with being african american. The ones in my area are pretty tipically the same and I"m just too different.  The screening process in my head is so awful. It's really laughable, but this is normal right? Everyone does that right?

Anyway, I'm a big problem unto myself. I wish I could change, I want to. But I also wish I could just be satisfied with the way I am and maybe even find it endearing. Being the quiet one doesn't suck all that much. Hopefully. I don't know if i can wake up, meet people, talk to people, eat breakfast, go to class, talk to friends after, meet more people at dinner, go back to room, hang out with roomates, go to bed.
Current Mood: sadsad
Current Music: metronomy- nights intro/outro
jumelles_mach6jumelles_mach6 on August 15th, 2010 05:31 am (UTC)
Thank you so much for what you said. No one really knows I have an LJ so I wasn't expecting a response at all. I just wanted to vent. Thank you so much for it though. Yes, it does suck when you're not really anything "specific" like the person who is loud, obnoxious, yet everyone finds them loveable, or the guy who even though is an asshole people love him b/c he's just charming and too funny for people to really think about the things he does/says (yes those do exist *rolls eyes*).
Since you were hoping for an update about how my first year went (my second is starting in a couple of weeks), here it is: I never really made any friends. I tried going to a few club meetings. An anime club (which was weird and could never go back to) and I went to PRIDE (lgbtq support club) and I only went to one meeting. I should've given the clubs a more honest shot, but I wasn't interested in them for anything else other than socializing. I should've stuck with those two so it would at least give me something to do other than sleep/eat/homework while I was at school.
Another reason why the clubs didn't work out because I felt like a lot of people there already knew each other and the only way I was going to to make friends was by taking initiative and just start talking to people. At least that's what people always seem to say when you're in a social rut in a new place. I totally pussied out on that. I shy away from actually making conversation with someone because I never know what to talk about. I literally can't think of anything to say to people even when I'm already in a conversation with someone, even with people who are my friends. It's just very difficult because my interests so are different from most people. I'm not interested in a lot of things most black females seem to be interested in, i'm not interested in a lot of things most people are interested in. I listen to music from bands people never heard of, I don't listen to a lot of rap and the stuff I do listen to isn't mainstream stuff (btw, your interests said you liked community. Please tell me you've listened to Donald Glover's stuff "childish gambino"?). I like to read, not just smut books (zane; smh), I just like different stuff. I know that there are people out there who like that stuff too, but I'm sure as hell not meeting them in the day to day.
I did meet a lot of nice people though. One of my roomates was great. But we were different, being friends didn't work out. She was really outgoing, likes to party, etc. I'm too lame haha. I thought that even though I didn't make any friends, I would be ok because I'm an only child and I'm used to my own company anyway. But it was very lonely. I've never felt so lonely sometimes. I felt that way mostly because I was so jealous at how it just looked so easy to be out there. Since I'll be going back in a couple of weeks, I'll try to give it another honest shot and a really good one this time. If I get in a club I'll stick with it and not just go to one meeting. My not making friends that year was pretty much my own fault. I shut myself out from everyone.
I really hope none of this scared you or anything. I doubt you will feel the same way I did and I doubt you'll not make any friends. I really do advise you to go to clubs and actually stick with it. Find a club about something you're really really interested in so that it at least will give you a reason to stay. Even talk to people in class, go to the gym (if your university has one), just put yourself in social situations. Someone will talk to you, even if it's just a comment or an observation about something. Someone will talk. I'm sorry this was so long. I went to your lj because i was going to leave a comment instead of a message, but you don't have any entries. I hope you get this. Thank you again for your comment, it made me feel better.