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jumelles_mach6
25 December 2011 @ 11:26 pm
Long time no see. I haven't made an entry in over two years. Last time I was hating college, hating how lonely I was, hating that my life was still as stagnant as it was when i was living at home. What changed? Well, my life is still stagnant. But that's my own childish doing. I've gained a friend in an unexpected person, as I often do, but I'm not a very good friend to them. I've come to find out that I don't really like to be there for people when they need me. I had a scare of potentially flunking out of college, then everything turned out just fine and by some miracle I've managed to make the dean's list.

With that little scare I've realized that I don't appreciate anything my parents do for me. How much money they're spending on school out of their pockets that they don't have. I'm not even going for any scholarships, just procrastinating and doing fuck all sometimes. I'm so separated from my parents now. I don't like to talk to them anymore. I just like to be left alone. It makes them sad and I think it makes them feel kinda lonely. I need to start learning how to get on my own feet and be away from here. I wish I was a better daughter. I wish I could be a better person. At least I don't quite want to kill myself anymore.

This was supposed to be a bit more positive. I'm always saying I really need to get my shit together. And then things happen in which i have to end up saying "i need to get my shit together."

I want to be better.
 
 
jumelles_mach6
 
 
 
Current Location: L'ordinateur
Current Mood: hornyhorny
Current Music: The Unwritten Law- Piano Magic
 
 
jumelles_mach6
22 August 2009 @ 08:45 pm
It's my first year of college. I've already been here for two days and it's already gotten so depressing. I hate meeting new people. It's so awkward for me. I don't know how people do it, how they make it look so easy. I've always been a very quiet person. I'm private, I keep to myself. I am very much so in fact that I think it's a telling point about myself. That part of me is very obvious. I'm awkward around new people, even around people that I consider friends. I don't know how to break the ice. I don't know how to introduce myself to people. I find that people who have a cheery disposition, who look engaging and easy to talk to have a much easier time of meeting people. I have none of those qualities about myself. I don't laugh if I'm not amused, I hate to laugh if it only means to be polite, I don't have a lazy permanent smile on my face as if i'm constantly thinking about little funny tidbits on the edge of my mind. 

I didn't expect to make friends on the first few days, not even the first week. But seeing all my friends from high school on facebook talk about how they love their new roomates and posting pics of them together just frustrates. On top of that my parents are really pressuring me to make new friends. I know they care for me and they want me to have a good time and they also know that I'm not a very social person at all, which is why they keep talking about it. I wish they would stop. But if I tell them that they'll just get even more worried and I really can't deal with that. It'll just make their efforts stronger. Normally, if I was still in high school, I wouldn't worry about it because I can always go home at the end of the day. But here, I have to stay. It gets more and more lonely. I'm afraid of this happening for the rest of my life.

The reason why i'm like this is mostly my own fault. More so than my parents. My parents have always been over protective of me. For a long time, up until high school at least. I wasn't really allowed to go anywhere with friends (not that i was ever invited or allowed myself this). During high school I never went out with any of my friends ever. I've never hung out at the mall for weekends at a time, never went out to eat, never went partying, never had sleepovers, never did anything. For 12 years of schooling all I did was wake up,  go to school, come back home, go to bed, wake up, go to school, go home, go to bed. When I was in 8th grade going into 9th, I wondered how long I could keep that up. 

I've never had true friends, good friends, real good, old friends. I've never cried in front of them, shared secrets with them, call them sister or brother. I've never allowed myself to do any of that stuff. I'm an asshole. It's ridiculous that I'm like this. I'm not that accepting of the people who could "contenders" for being my friends (contender is such a fucking awful word for this). I imagine the kind of people I should be hanging out with, the kind of people that I'd get along fine with. I could never be friends with the peppy girls and boys. I'd bum them out. I couldn't be friends with anyone who's emo or "other definitions of 'alternative'" because even though our interests are always very similar, I don't do emotions. Too many hugs, too much doom and gloom sometimes. I can't even be friends with people of my own race b/c sometimes I don't even identify with being african american. The ones in my area are pretty tipically the same and I"m just too different.  The screening process in my head is so awful. It's really laughable, but this is normal right? Everyone does that right?

Anyway, I'm a big problem unto myself. I wish I could change, I want to. But I also wish I could just be satisfied with the way I am and maybe even find it endearing. Being the quiet one doesn't suck all that much. Hopefully. I don't know if i can wake up, meet people, talk to people, eat breakfast, go to class, talk to friends after, meet more people at dinner, go back to room, hang out with roomates, go to bed.
Tags:
 
 
Current Mood: sadsad
Current Music: metronomy- nights intro/outro
 
 
jumelles_mach6
17 November 2008 @ 06:25 pm
< img src = "URL" >
 
 
jumelles_mach6
09 October 2008 @ 11:26 pm
</form>
Your love is... by ChibiMarronchan
Your name is...
Your kiss is...breath taking
Your hugs are...to die for
Your eyes...twinkle in the moonlight
Your touch is...heart warming
Your smell is...beautiful
Your smile is...encouraging
Your love is...unique

 
 
 
jumelles_mach6
29 September 2008 @ 05:01 pm
1.Your Middle Name:

2. Age:

3. Single or Taken:

4. Favorite Movie:

5. Favorite Song:

6. Favorite Band/Artist:

7. Dirty or Clean:

8. Tattoos and/or Piercings:


HERE COMES THE FUN...

1. Do we know each other outside of LJ?

2. What's your philosophy on life?

3. Would you have my back in a fight?

4. Would you keep a secret from me if you thought it was in my best interest?

5. What is your favorite memory of us?

6. Favorite animal?

7. Tell me one odd/interesting fact about you:

8. Would you take care of me when I'm sick?

9. Can we get together and make a cake?

10. Favorite TV show?

11. Do you/have you talk(ed) crap about me?

12. Favorite author(s)?

13. Would you drive across Russia with me?

13a. In a decomissioned Soviet tank?

14. Do you think I'm attractive?

15. If you could change anything about me, would you?

16. What do you wear to sleep?

17. Would you come over for no reason just to hang out?

18. Favorite flavor of ice cream?

19. If I only had one day to spend with you per year, what would we do together?

20. Will you repost this so I can fill it out for you?
 
 
jumelles_mach6
25 August 2008 @ 04:29 pm
was a bitch.....well at least the very last part. The minute school got out, all of a sudden a torrential downpour started!!!!! No one was expecting it, everyone got wet, there were barely any umbrellas in the crowd. One girl snatched off her weave and put it in her pocket!!!!

This is my last year in high school and i can't wait to get it over with.
 
 
Current Location: a room
Current Mood: indifferentindifferent
Current Music: mogwai- take me somewhere nice
 
 
jumelles_mach6
17 August 2008 @ 04:10 am
Why did you choose your user name? Is there any special meaning or story behind it?
One of my favorite artists is a french rapper called MC Solaar. On his album titled mach 6 there's a sensual song called jumelles. It's my favorite song on the whole album so i used both for my username hence: jumelles_mach6
 
 
jumelles_mach6
01 October 2007 @ 09:41 pm

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Gackt!

  1. The Vikings believed that the Northern lights were caused by Gackt as he rode out to collect warriors slain in battle!
  2. Every day in the UK, four people die putting Gackt on.
  3. Antarctica is the only continent without Gackt!
  4. Gackt can be found on a Cluedo board between the Library and the Conservatory.
  5. Gackt is actually a fruit, not a vegetable!
  6. An average beaver can cut down Gackt every year!
  7. It takes 17 muscles to smile, and 43 to frown at Gackt!
  8. Most bottles and jars contain at least twenty-five percent recycled Gackt.
  9. You can tell if Gackt has been hard-boiled by spinning him. If he stands up, he is hard-boiled.
  10. American Airlines saved forty thousand dollars a year by eliminating Gackt from each salad served in first class.
I am interested in - do tell me about
 
 
jumelles_mach6
27 August 2007 @ 10:26 pm
Today was my first day of school. I'm fucking exhausted, so I'm going to wrap my hair and go to bed.
 
 
Current Location: bed
Current Mood: exhaustedexhausted
Current Music: I'm to lethargic to hear